the sound of exising

Exclusive focus on one word
one that doesn't lose meaning after a while
and I did

I heard a sound not foreign to me
not new
as it grew louder I
I understood for the very first time what that
alarming sound is
what is was
what is has been
I can't stop hearing it now
so loud it rings, it calls it sings

existence inside of me
the sound of consciousness
the sound of blood flowing through my veins
tuning in on the sound of my pumping heart
the sounds that have been here all along

sounds now impossible to neglect
louder than the outside world
I am for the first time heard
by my own ears

the struggle to turn off the outer noise begins.

it's everywhere.

mortals and their unreliable ideas of what comes next..
come take a guess
is there a God? was it all a big accident...
is there an alternative we haven't thought up yet
silly theories and factual myths and correct mathematical figures
and on
invisible answers floating about
what do you know?
don't cry when I die
be glad
celebrate, I will not be offended
just be glad
glad because I will get answers!
in death we will begin to unlock the mysteries of the universe
death is merely another way of travel
real time travel
and I'm a traveler.

I fell in love

with a beautiful stranger.
I know it's a cliche stupid song, but so is my life
it comes to this
THIS is whats happened to me...

I don't know the precise moment
it's recorded somewhere in the lost pages of time
I suppose

that's the least of my worries now..
I need to get this beautiful, beautiful stranger out
of my head

what's in a serious relationship?
maybe we can be in a joyful relationship

maybe I can pray about it and know
know for sure

maybe it's the silliest thing in the world

beautiful

thoughts from the future

When you ask why I left, you'll realize you already know
You're just a boy
fascinated by the glitter
I'm getting too old for that

I need grounded
I want solid
level headed

I need and I want
you just don't measure up
you're just not....

bliss

I'm on my knees now
won't you send me an angel?

It's getting hard to breathe now
won't you send me a savior?

It's getting chaotic here,
aren't you gonna step in?

come change it, come take it, come give me,
send me a message, come see me

You always come

You came to me in a dream
in an answered question

you came to me and you're not leaving soon

you came to me and I came in you

you came to me and I came too

you came

<3

I've been talking to the dream giver
I've been walking,
feeling,
hearing,
listening

I hear the voices and the thoughts
and I clearly see
I see the dreams inside of me

I feel the peace
me in him
and him in me
it feels so good

crystal ball

When the sunlight births the dawn
when my window is no longer dark

I wake again
just like all of these years

today the sun exposes the tired face in
the mirror
the lines that weren't there before
a face that can't hide that I worry
can't hide what I drank
all the things that I've done

yet, I feel young!
and I dispose of time
as if it were a luxury I could afford

time
as if I had all the time in the world

I'll do that next year...
when I'm 30..
when I'm 40...
when I think 50 is a safe bet

like a foolish child,
I make my plans
not knowing that
they don't count

certain uncertainty

I want you near me
It's not because I'm lonely
It's not because I need you

I was born a one
and will die alone too

It's because I don't know
because it's uncertain that I will
wrap my arms around you

because it could end today
because I don't know what's next
because I don't know where our souls will go

I want you near me
I want to see you
smell you
touch you

while I still can.

take a moment

A little prayer for the wild at heart
a prayer for those who do not understand
a prayer for those who know better
and for those who pretend they don't
a prayer for the hypocrites of the world

set aside a little prayer for you
for those who know the truth
for those lost in uncertainty

for understanding
for love
for peace
for reunion

a prayer for the nations of the world
a serious prayer for our leaders
a prayer of mercy for the little ones
the ones who were never told
the ones who were left alone

a prayer for your mother's bleeding eyes
as life ravages her hope
a prayer for her words as she blesses the wombs that
never bore

a blessing we all hope we will be a part of
a last moment of normalcy
a prayer for this calm before the storm
for all things unknown

with every reason to be afraid
to be lost, to be ashamed
we say a little prayer
we hope for hope
we ask for grace
and we try to straighten up
before that time comes
when our lives are shaken
beyond our limited imagination

5 reasons I'm "sane"

In no particular order:

1. Meditation
2. Music
3. Prayer
4. Writing
5. Love

Another kind of love

A moment of light
in which my heart changed

a lucid image in a time when I
could not see very far

an answer to my question
a clear path to regeneration

I see now what you want me to see

I'm going to sing you pretty songs
'till the day I die

24

1984
a lady in love
twice a mother
a lover
a daughter

a dreamer
a child
a gift to those around her

a bright smile
a loud laughter
a source of answers

with arms that bring warmth
lips that kiss
eyes that speak
words that are wiser

with decisions that are tough
places that are rough
she, always a survivor

she is the only person who
brings me peace
brings me joy, gives me hope
in her arms I am always home

this life only gave me one, and
I wouldn't choose another

always a giver
the person I love the most
the one who
inspires me
touches me
moves me

I am for ever in debt
for giving me life
for showing me how to love,
how to forgive how to forget
how to appreciate
how to embrace
for guiding me

words cannot describe what you mean to me.

the space in between.

your happiness can't stream from someone else

how does one find happiness within when the self
is not someone one likes
when the self is not enough
when this world is not enough
when there are more reasons to be sad

when we are hamsters on wheels
when we can't focus on living
when I look forward to the sound of a phone ring

when our souls grow tired
when our hopes are on fire

when our bodies grow old
when I'm not the only sad girl

when I'm so curious to see what happens next
when I need to be reassured
I want to keep believing

when all I have are my sad songs
some friends and distractions
when I've waited for love
waited too long

when we're not living in our natural state
when people wonder why there isn't more
when the cold freezes my warmth

when I'm torn apart and are expected to be
put back together just the way I was

when I'm not in the right home

when I live in the future and
try to cover the spaces in between
in between life
when I have a moment of silence and
my sadness takes over
when I try to distract my self so I don't
feel
when my heart gets heavy
and I just want time to pass
30
40
but I'm stuck
where today is unbearable
and I have to escape

in a fog
and the space in between reminds me
we're in a sad, lonely place.

dancer.

Dancer in the winter night
in the summer cold
in the brightness of fall
in the darkness of spring

dancer, everywhere I go

light in my step
easy in my stroll
easy ebb and flow

a sultry flamenco
a soft ballet or
a pretty ballad
it all ends the same

a big lonely stage
but I stand up
I shall dance
laugh and smile
dream and sing
and I will do it alone

I want you to watch, to see
me unfold

with the absence of a partner
I feel my step getting lighter
more playful
free

and if you want to dance
I'll teach you how.

bipolar Tuesday

new faces with different places
but I feel so old

there is a place where I've been living
all on my own
and no one is knocking at my door

through time travel I buy smiles
and this abundance of tears doesn't end

forgetting him, forgetting them, I forget myself.
fighting with my shadow, fighting to make it matter

the dreamgiver helps me heal
makes me feel
alive

sad and alive
happy and alive
upset and angry and
discouraged and alive

you slam your door on my face
but I keep looking for more
keep on knocking, little girl
keep on knocking

1770?

you and I
a fascination that transcends time
it's in your face
your hair
your words
remains unknown
you, the narrator
me, the main character
you say
I listen
you say
I feel
you say
I see
you say
what I wish
I said
you sing the truth
too evolved for your youth
you speak and steal all of my attention
you were
and you are
and you will be
you speak and I crumble
you sing and I know,
I know it's true
I celebrate you
you're wise
you feed my soul.

.

every time I doubt all that I know

in a time of uncertainty
and these nights
those nights when I can't figure out what
this is all for

when I'm stretching all of my hope

when I'm borrowing smiles
when my head is going to explode

when things aren't as lucid as I would hope

when my mind wonders things I'll never know

when I feel lost and alone

you're my only hope

when I wander and I can't find home

when I feel stuck in a loop, in an never ending hole

that's when you touch me without ever touching me, when you
inspire me, without talking

remind me how lucky I am,
remind me that I just am.

lost and naked

my vision is blurring,
my wrinkles are showing

I'm getting too skinny again
I'm getting old again

I'm gonna lose again,
I'm gonna lose my lover,
I know I'll find another
and another and anotherrrrrrr
I'm getting too tired

I'm looking back at the ones
that mattered, the ones I loved
but those photos don't make me feel
anything anymore

It's alarming, I'm alarming myself
I don't want to be numb again
I want to feel, to live, to love
I want
I want
I want

my time is up

the story of the lonely ghost

he said, "wait"
here I am in the rain

in the snow,
in the glow of the night

he said, "wait"
and I promised I would

he never came

my lips chapped,
my hands froze

it's getting too cold

the tears running down my
face don't keep me warm
anymore

my hair is stiff my toes
are still there, I hope

I'm sitting here by the road
and I don't see you

the glow of the night
has vanished and I feel
vacant

I feel my body stop,
my heart slow down

I was not meant to survive
in the snow

I can't wait to see you
but now I know

I know
you will never return

I suffer dreams that blur reality

dreams again
dreams of me
dreams of them

blurry images in my head
scenes that lapse
places that dance

lands I've never seen
lands unknown to me
people I've never met

people I see every day
people I talk to
listen to
write to

lost in the middle of Japan
and I don't know whats
really going on

dreams that come
dreams that go
dreams that play in my head
dreams that don't go away

dreams that let me see you
in a light I don't understand

in a light that's too dark

my unconscious speaks.

ebb and flow

I'm still walking..

and they join me every now and then
and they like to talk,
they like to stare,
they like to take

keep walking with me, I say
bu there are so many places to go,
to see, places to be

and he leaves,
she leaves

but there is always a curious stranger
he comes along and I smile again

and I beg him to stay
I'll stop walking,
I'll go your way

he disappears
and I'm getting used to this

I'm still walking

I am a one.

the circle of life.

pouty lips and moist lashes
because she never fit in

always so awkward
too shy
too quiet
too forward
too free
misunderstood

out of the norm
she only does what she wants

I look at your photos and I
wonder why mine are only of me
of people who come
people who go
people who don't like to stay

I look at my photos and they're all lies
they're all expired and all that's left
is me

my red lips and black eyes
my pretty dresses
my empty shots

inspiring someone else
they don't inspire me!

everyone's got their little carbon copies
I secretly want them too

what else am I supposed to do?

the only one I trusted left

always a late bloomer
but I'm so afraid this time
it will be too late

I secretly hope so

i just don't know what to do

my reason
'cause there is no reason
in a time like this

our little world is falling apart
and we're standing by

people starving, people
cryin', children dying 'cause
there is no balance

there's no balance and this
world overwhelms me

I've got one of those headaches again
I'm sick of all these pills
I'm sick of being sick
of being sad
of being shocked of being mad
sick of sickness that sickens me.

ass

Give a little girl a new puppy
let her love it
play with it
sleep with it
then take it away

Give your best business man
a promotion
upgrade his office
double his pay
then take it away

Give your best school boy
the achievement medal
let him feel the glory
tell everyone he knows
then take it away

Give a new mother her
brand new baby
then take that shit away!

take it away
give it to me
don't let me keep it
take it away

snatch it

take it
take it

i dont expect much from you
fucking leech.

hang 'em dead

You’re the menace
The perpetrator,
The one they fear
The one who hides in the shadows of the night and
Gets off
Gets off by seeing them squirm
Seeing them cry
Seeing them burn

you're the one who tears them apart
the one who takes
their girls
their boys
their mothers
and their toys

their fathers
their lovers
anything your paws
can aquire

You nasty little mental case
don't blame your childhood!
did it have role in this mess?

I can’t decide
do I want you dead?
do I want you alive?
do I want to see you
cry
for merci
for help

I decide for whatever scares you,
haunts you the most
whatever might drive you insane

insane and on the streets
out in the cruel world
food for the other monsters

It alarms me that I think it's
okay for me to feel this way

It alarms me

maybe I'm a monster too.

beyond my comprehension

Dear Lord,
tonight’s headlines fill me with fury
they fill me with hate,
they shake me,
torment me,
they kill a little piece of hope
the hope I
try so hard to keep intact
atrocities
monstrocities
imaginable experiences
broken lives
broken people
and why
for what?
for who’s amusement?
I don’t understand, Lord
help me believe
believe that there is reasoning
behind this life
headlines like tonight’s make
people like my father,
athiests
firm believers in
hell on earth
of your absence
“no God of mine will ever
Allow that” they say
no God
they think you’re
sleeping on the job
and I get so confused
and I grip my pillow tight
and I hope
and I pray
and I dream
and I sleep
But the world doesn't
change.

daydreams

When a word, a phrase a sound
triggers something inside me
a memory
a name
a place
a smell

my heart sings

memories I thought I lost
memories that rush back to me
in a second

triggers, firing synapses, images

in this moment I can fly through time and
see it all
live it all
smell it all
touch,
taste it all
again

how can I ever miss you?

in my hour of darkness
I’m gonna listen to your songs
to your pretty voice

And I will be lonely no more.

evil#1 being a fucking animal

They're
sick
they're panting
they're ill

gotta be gone
to go and
come

come inside the little angels

gotta be gone

wishing you would leave
instead you leave
your scars
your marks
your sweat your..
your misfortune

a torn outlook
a distorted hope
a life
that could have worked

all innocent angels will be avenged
may the lord have the same mercy they showed the little girls.

phychobable

I threw your pills away, little Dr.
now, I only need the ones that rid me
of the pain.

the pain I feel when I think too hard
when I drink too hard
when I...

I don't need your little Dr. notes
you don't need my cash anymore

I'm not gonna give you a call
we'll talk about what I want,
when I want,
how I want
'cause I've got your money

hey little Dr, I'd probably miss you
if only you did not want to put your hands
on, in, over me

sick little man, you make me laugh,
let's prescribe you what you need,
not me

hey little head doctor,
you bullshit motherfucker
I flushed your pills

spinning flattered

Tonight,
with your help, I've turned
old sad songs to new hopes
and dreams,
butterflies and songs

dreams that might come true
I have a feeling

your take on life
moves me
your songs
inspire me
awaken me
soften me

I'm lost in the big city
come take me away

beautiful stranger, you've got
all of my attention

little dreamer

Looking forward,
Yonder
looking away
tomorrow only let's me down every
now and then

tomorrow is always better than today

lost in tomorrow
I don't see what's in front of my face

such a little planner,
I've got it all figured out
I can taste it
I can smell it

It all happens just like I want
I get,
I get exactly what I want

still, I long for tomorrow
the today I planned is still not
enough

it's never enough

I think I'm in love
in love with the promise
of tomorrow

that promise that never has a
chance, never gets to be

I've washed all the black off

I'm not inspired
I don't know how to piece together
these thoughts
these feelings

What would Emily do?
she would make something up..
sometimes she makes no sense

I don't want to make sense
maybe if I had the '20s
maybe then I'd take off my
little flapper dress
wipe the paint off
take out my cigarette
and write you a few lines.

drop a few lines
do a few lines

I would do it on paper
with a fancy pen

slap in my face.

The biggest thing that has ever
happened to me and they deny it

they discard it, they don't understand
it was juvenile, they say
it was something stupid, she said

not real

tell me,
tell me what I feel is not real!

heart pounding
blood boiling and
I wand to scream
at her face,
at the crowd
at the world

they will never know
they will never understand
I'm so insignificant, you see

too young,
too naive,
too shallow

What does she know, they say
what does she know
of life?
of love?
of pain?
of trust?
of things that last
what do you know
what do you know
what do you know about me.

jim and pam

Strangers on a sunny day

He saw her by the beach
On Venice Boulevard

He followed her with the
Breeze down Venice Blvd.

He saw her alone and said
“I followed you here”

She asked, “why?”
And after the kiss, he said
“’cause you’re the one”

No longer strangers on a
Moonlit night

It's how it started,
It's how it all began.

I feel more.

Feelin’ ecstatic, feelin’ my mind,
My body. Feelin’ and feeding
Feelin’ inside, feeling my soul

Feelin’ loved
adored

There is something about feelin’ mad
There is something about feelin’ cold
Feelin’ angry, lonely, sad
Feelin’ desperate, feelin’ bad

Feelin’ confused ‘cause you’re not
Around. Feeling disgusted ‘cause I
Saw what you wanted me to see

Feelin’ happy ‘cause that wasn’t me
Feeling so sorry, feeling numb, feelin’
Violent, feelin’ mad and lost and sad,
All at once

I was feeling, I still feel,
Feeling alive the way you never will
Feeling free, feeling high
Alone, and still feeling bliss
Feeling joy, feeling the breeze

voids never fill

"the killer awoke before dawn"

I found my favorite perfume today..
there it was, sitting on the counter.
it made me so happy
it made me so happy, I quick stepped
to pick it up...
I had in my hands
that smell
it brought it all back
it smelled of fall
it smelled of plans and hopes
smelled of certainty
of planes
smelled of light rain
it smelled of him
it smelled of me on him
of me with him
of london
of fall
of our elaborate plans
of brussels and kriek
of amsterdam
of the end
of morisson
of lights in the city
of italian
of cloud 9
of bliss
it smelled of all the things I
tried to forget
it smelled of happiness
of pain
it smells like everything I don't
want it to smell like
it smells of spring
of early summer
and I still
can't wear it.

him

......and with time that fire that I love about you will burn out.

He was just beginning to understand the mode of behavior. No matter what
he felt, he would behave as
if he did not feel it, and
everything would be better.